The High Gallery


Aircraft Humor

 

Airline Chatter

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint!
We have digital watches!"

 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

 From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f..ing bored!" Ground Traffic
Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I
 was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
  your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
   Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always
<> wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked! , "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for
 a priority landing because his single-engine jet
 fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he was number
 two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
 "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven
 engine approach."

 



How to tell you have a Redneck Pilot

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.

You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".

You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.

You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the
landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.

There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.

You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.

You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals

Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"



A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
 His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward
silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.Once they reach
cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat,
 and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
 
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
 
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
 
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
 
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
 
There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
 
"Why not?" asks the captain.
 
"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds. 
 
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
 
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

 

 

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E-Mail Edward High
 HighGallery@outlook.com 

 

 

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